I hope Pa doesn't spend all night sobbing again this year, I've hidden his bottle of brandy just in case...

Happy New Year !

I'm putting a few ideas together for my New Years Resolutions list - I like lists;

1)  Eat less pringles, mince pies, ferrero-rocher and thorntons chocolates (should be easy enough at least until next December).
2)  Drink more diet-coke.
3)  Bounce more daily, just in case there is an event in the 2012 Olympics.
4)  Try to get my paws on an i-phone and learn to Tweet.(I already speak canine, feline, humanoid and fish, so bird-speak should be easy too).
5)  Worry less, it can't be good for me, and I'm sure it's not in my job-description as chief pet.

What do u think?

'Back to reality' for Pa today - he's going back to work for a couple of days and then having a few days off again...

My reality is a bit boring too, so I'm thinking of getting a job! Maybe even two, a summer job and a winter job.  In summer I'm thinking formula 1 racing driver and in winter downhill Alpine skiier...

I know I can't drive or ski, but there's nothing wrong with having dreams.
Without ambition I may as well give up, be normal, become a cat, or even worse, a goldfish.

Catch u soon, x.

I really don't feel well - my belly is as hard as stone and it's nothing to do with sit-ups as I don't do sit-ups ... I've eaten far too much, and I'm completely soaped-out.

I need normality for a couple of days, just water and chunks, no champagne & chocolates (I made that bit up to be fair); and maybe less television.

I might just watch Worlds Strongest Man tonight, but definitely no soaps.

I'm physically inflated and emotionally deflated?!... can't wait for the New Year...

Simon's Festive Tail (Tale).

Pa's works party last night (I wasn't invited!) - he came home late, so drunk he couldn't speak and could hardly stand - why do u humanoids do this?

Anyway, as he fell thru the back door he knocked a vase off the worktop (it wasn't Me) making a right old mess near my basket; he then lurched thru the hall, knocking a picture straight off the wall (it wasn't Me), before landing in the lounge to hug the Christmas tree, Elf-style (it wasn't Me) making another big mess, tinsel & baubles everywhere!  He then trotted off upstairs to bed without a word to me...

When he finally got up this morning he obviously couldn't remember a thing but he was in a fierce mood and blamed ME for everything!?

Now I know what u humanoids mean by 'a Shaggy dog story'...

It wasn't Me but what the hell - MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYBODY. x.

OMG - only 2 more sleeps to Santa!!!
I've got so much still to do!  I still need to buy Pa's pressie, go to Tesco which will be a bloody nightmare, deliver the last of my cards, wrap some stuff, visit Granny, stuff the goose, clean the audi, get to the bank, and do the housework...

Sorry, just day-dreaming, of course I don't need to do any of this stuff - I'm a dog, not a stressed-out humanoid.
It's a dogs-life for me...

I fell off the wagon whilst home alone last night - I sniffed out and then scoffed 2 tubes of cheese & onion pringles, a pack of cadbury's snow-stars, a full panettone, some crackers and a medium-sized pork pie...

I feel very poorly sick today, but I blame Pa for neglecting me, especially near Christmas.  I think humanoids call it comfort eating?  I'm feeling very uncomfortable today... Still, only 3 more sleeps to Santa!

Pa said this morning I may not live that long?  I think he was joking but as per usual I'm not totally sure, maybe he thinks I've got food poisoning?!

I think he's a bit stressed, nevermind, soon be Christmas.

Ok so I got it wrong yesterday - I've only got 4 bloody paws u know!  So it's 4 more sleeps to Santa from today.  Thank-you.

I've not eaten a mince pie or any pringles for three full days now - surely this must be a world record for the month of December?!
Pa did share some ferrero rocher with me last night (he only offered me 2 actually), but as usual he didn't share his beers. Probably just as well with my bladder and this cold weather...

My excitement level is up a notch by the way, I'm an 8 today.  The Elf dvd is still in the player so I might give it a whack later when everyone's out and see if I can get it to play to boost me up to a 9. xx.

I thought North Korea was invading when I was rudely awoken early this morning!
Pa had put two pairs of his trainers in the washing machine, which for some unknown reason is situated in MY room.  He's such a selfish arse at times - and he's only got two bloody feet anyway...

Surely he knows I need my beauty sleep and it's only 4 more sleeps to Santa!

On an excitement scale of 1 to 10, I'm about a 7 today (I might have been an 8 if I'd got another hour's kip!?), how about u?

The Snooze from the weekend;

Harry won!
Chelsee lost & Chelsea drew (apparently?)
It didn't snow here.
We're definitely not moving to Scotland, or Wales.
I'm detoxing on weather forecasts now that we have a new TV.
Christmas is nearly here and humanoid stress levels are rising!?
I'm never going to eat another pringle - ever.
I've still not been 'Bubled' desspite him being absolutelyeverybloodywhere...

• Thanks for listening.

Pa's not come home in a ferrari, nor has he had any cosmetic surgery as far as I can tell, but he has turned up with a huge new television for our lounge! It's in 3-D apparently - I've not got a scooby what this actually means - but Pa reckons when we watch some programmes it will feel like we're actually there??? I watch the weather forecast on average about seven times daily - I'm going to be permanently soaked this month! In the comfort of my own home - this is just crazy! What if the tv is on, I'm in the room, but I'm not watching it? What if I just have one eye on it? What if I shut my eyes and just listen? I'm so confused...

I think Pa's at a funny age - a bit like me, I'm 7 (or 49 in your humanoid years). He's acting a little more odd than usual and I noticed the other day he's started to wear a vest !? He ought to get a big hairy-furry coat like me - far more stylish in the Winter. He also keeps on talking about getting a 40 or a 42-incher for Christmas!? This can't be right and surely not biologically possible - he'll be buying a bloody ferrari soon...

It's so stormy here ! If I'm allowed out today I'll obviously need two pairs of welly-boots and maybe two hats... I might just stay in - it's a bit of a no-snooze day really. I may attempt my 'how-many-weather-forecasts-you-can-watch-in-one-day' world record, it currently stands at nine and that was on a day when I didn't have full control of the tv remote.

TEXT SANTA - what a bloody joke! How the hell can I text Santa? - my big furry paws just aren't designed for paw-held devices... Subsequently I haven't got a mobile phone, never mind a contract, I don't understand pay-as-you-go (go where?), or even any money to buy one. This is so unfair - it's Dog-discrimination!! I can't join in and it was a great show... I'm off to learn some new dance steps ready for next years's Britains Got Talent, bye for now.

I think I've got 'Bieber-fever'... I watched him on tv last night and I've been feeling really dodgy all night. It could have something to do with the 3 tubes of pringles I scoffed, but it's impossible to tell either way. I'll let you make your own decisions on young Mr Bieber - but I was less than impressed - I'd rather be 'Bubled' I reckon. I need to sleep now, catch u soon.

Something really weird happened last night - we had a delivery... A van turned up right outside our front door (which now has foliage & ribbons on it I noticed?)and Pa was obviously expecting it, although this has never happened before. The guy in the van carried boxes to our door and Pa then took loads of bags out of the boxes into our kitchen - our shopping had magically arrived. When the man in the van left Pa didn't even pay him - FREE magic shopping! It must be nearly Christmas, although as I haven't got an advent calendar (thanks!)I'm not sure of the date, but I soon sniffed out a bag full of crisps, pringles and nuts; and another bag stuffed with chocolates and biscuits, so it must be soon. Maybe the guy in the van is a modern-day Santa? But without a white beard or red suit... I do love Christmas - and pringles - and chocolates...

Pa says we're not going to live in Scotland either... I watched the weather forecast eight times yesterday and it looks great fun! Going for a kip now.

Pa said last night that he was glad he didn't live in Manchester? Last week he was glad he didn't live in Egypt? Maybe he's thinking of moving but just not sure where yet? I'm as confused as ever and always the last to know anything around here - apart from the goldfish I guess. I'm glad I'm not a goldfish... (P.S; I've still not been 'Bubled' yet!)

Just been listening to Moyles and his team - I want to get 'Bubled' too. Comedy Dave seems keen, so why not me too? What do you think it is ?

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I'm even more confused than ever today, and yeah I know, that really is saying something.

I watched the snooze last night and there are two new Pandas arriving at Edinburgh Zoo - they look just like me !
They're the same colour, they're hairy-furry and very cute apparently - just like me!  Maybe I'm not 100% Old English?  I'm not a racist (I wouldn't know how) but what if I'm say half-Chinese?

My life is surely complicated enough already - now what am I going to do?  I don't even know where to buy bamboo, what it smells like, or even what it tastes like...

And yes, I know it's bloody snowing! 

Who the hell is/was Dougie ?

I'm clearly out of touch - never seen him or heard of him before.  Not to worry, it's finished now.  Maybe I actually need to watch MORE television...

He did seem a lovely fella though.

Just watched the weather forecast for the seventeenth time this weekend & SNOW is definitely on it's way.  Remember you heard it here first! - unless you watch the forecasts like I do of course.

Okay I give in already - Christmas is coming, and yes, it is wonderful.

Last night was just great - me and Pa home alone on a Friday night (a boy's night in!) - and we snuggled up to watch Pa's favourite dvd - Elf.  It was magical, Pa ate pringles an drank a couple of bottled beers.  If he had offered me either I would have politely declined as I make far too much noise eating and drinking in front of the tv...

Elf is officially now my favourite Christmas movie too.
I love Christmas, even in early December.

I'm still not happy, in actual fact I'm pretty bloody angry!
Pa's had a day off today - slacking, striking or something - and instead of taking yours truly (man's best friend?) to the park, he's going shopping!

Even worse - Christmas shopping!  Unbelievable, it's still soddin' November...

The humanoid calender is surely the same as the canine one - yes?  On my Meercat picture for December, Christmas day is definitely on there - i'll double check but I'm sure it is...

I'm off for a lie-down, all this anger is making me tired.

Pa needs to get a man in...

This doesn't sound at all right to me.  I know I'm only a canine, but I'm a fairly astute one (in my opinion) and this doesn't sound good.
He ought to stop buggering about thinking of other men and sort out a reliable plumber.  The boiler on the wall in my room is making one hell of a racket - it's woke me up early 3 mornings running now - I'm not happy!

I might pitch a tent in the kitchen and start a silent protest, although I haven't actually got a tent and pitching it sounds tricky... I'm still not happy...

Had a really good wiggle at the weekend, Sunday afternoon I was home alone but someone had left the radio on in the kitchen, Radio 1 I think.
I've got  a new favourite track too - not sure exactly what it's called or who it's by - might be something like Lloyd - hopefully nothing to do with bankers, but I'm not altogether sure - but it's great, a real paw-tapper.

Maybe u should download it?
I have no idea what that means, but they say it all the bloody time on the radio. They also like weekends (a lot), they start the countdown on Monday and by Wednesday it seems the weekend has nearly begun in radio-land.
In Simon-land (that's me!) it doesn't really matter, I just try to enjoy every day!

Do you like my new positive attitude?  Yeah, me too...

I saw my old pal Hector yesterday when we went walkies to the park.  I've not seen him for ages with all that's been going on.

I bumped in to him - I literally couldn't avoid him - he's even fatter than the last time I saw him.  He gets 7 meals a day on average, including sausages and extra treats!
He's a lovely fella, rotund but lovely.  It was great to see him and catch up for just a few minutes.

I think I might have to re-consider my daily routine (I'm a creature of habit u know), but I don't get fed 7 times a day - maybe I'm being neglected...

I think Pa's in training for 'Grumpy Old Man of the Year 2011' - he's getting gradually more angry as each Winter evening passes, just watching the goggle-box and especially when Snooze at Ten comes on (at 10 o-clock I think).
His favourite whinging phrases this week are, in no particular order as they say - 'Bloody strikes next week, that won't help any of us;'  'Still it could be worse, we could live in Egypt...'  'There's no jobs out there pal and it's gonna get worse before it gets any better!'  'Everything's going up - food, petrol, gas, electric - it's ludicrous;'  'Robbie Savage really ought to know better. Still, he always was a bit of an arse...'

I don't really understand why he moans outloud and talks to the tv, but then again I don't understand humanoid behaviour much at all these days.  I don't think Pa should be studying Robbie's arse though - surely that's just weird...  

I usually listen to Steve Wright in the afternoon on Radio 2 if I can, but I couldn't today so I watched what I think was some sort of foreign language film on channel 4, but without subtitles...

So many meaningless phrases, just one after another all the way through the show - 'follow your heart', 'The pilgrims?' 'smile money', 'life changing money', 'only here once (OHO)', 'curse of the newby', 'the death box', 'a one box game', 'the guvnor' and ' a banker spanking'.

An old phone, red and blue numbers, complete randomness and a funny looking bloke with fuzz on his face - I didn't understand a word of it!  It may as well have been in chinese and I only speak dog, cat and old-English humanoid.  I'm even more confused than usual today.

'Todays Top Tip'

Don't put your wet nose where it's not wanted!
I spent two & a half hours yesterday afternoon with my nose stuck in the cat-flap...
Not funny, embarressing and quite painful just in case you're interested.  Today I look like I should be attending Rudolph auditions.
I'm going back to bed now, I can't face the world today.

I'm matching the weather today - it's foggy outside, grey, dismal and damp.
I'm hairy on the outside, grey, white & black, and not too happy. Thankfully I'm not damp in any way shape or form.
I think I've got what you humanoids call that 'Monday morning feeling'?  No idea why - I didn't know until today that I had such crappy emotions...
I've not got to go to work, I'm not worried about paying this month's mortgage or credit card bill (I haven't got either you'll be pleased to know), and I'm not feeling ill or hungover.  Just not quite my self.
Maybe it's because The Grant has been booted off Strictly, or Craig's out of X-Factor?  I'm sure I'll get over it - catch u tomorrow & chins up!
me,x.

About half-way through Strictly It Takes Two yesterday evening Pa decided that we both needed some fresh air and exercise!  So he dragged me off for a long walk, I bounced for a while but soon got too knackered too quickly as per usual.
By the time we got home I was exhausted and ready for my bed.  I dozed off into a fantastic full-colour dream.  Did you know I was an excellent dreamer?  Well I am.
I was on the Wembley arena dance-floor!  Tess introduced me as 'Sasha' and I was dancing on my hind legs, floppy ears tied back, with little Chelsee.  She had those white hairy-furry trousers on again and our legs matched perfectly.  We looked fab-u-lous as we strutted our stuff to the sounds of Snoop Dogg and we ended up bowing to a full-house standing ovation, even the judges!
I was still cream-crackered when I woke up early this morning - I think I really need to watch less television..

Why didn't you tell me?
Celebrity Jungle thingy has been on all week and I've only just seen it - I caught about half an hour last night.  Have they changed it this year? - I didn't recognise anyone!  One guy did look a bit like the soft fella from Coronation Street, but with less hair, maybe he's a lookalike or something...
(I hope I never lose my hair - I'd look ridiculous.)
Maybe they should change the title this time - 'I'm a Nobody, does anyone care' has a certain relevant ring to it?!
Still, Ant & Dec always make me giggle.  Catch u soon.

The Snooze - I watched the late snooze with Pa last night - I like to keep up to speed with what's happening in the big wide world u know.  Apparently our economy is a little less inflated, Italy is forming a new government and the Euro is still in crisis... I don't really know what all this means but Pa says the country's 'gone to the dogs' which sounds fine to me and being a bit less inflated sounds like it might be a good thing!

On the sports front Pa says we're basically now Football World Champions, having beaten Spain and Sweden - conkers rules apply he reckons...
I did hear on the sports-snooze that our footy team was 'new England' - again I don't know what this involves but it's all very confusing for an Old English fella like me.
I'm not a footy fan anyway, I'm more of a winter-sports enthusiast. 

Pa smells of after-eights today!  Is this normal or usual for a male humanoid?
I've never noticed this tasty aroma before - well only on after-eights themselves if I'm lucky enough to scoff a box.  He usually smells of aftershave, soap or a hint of garlic sometimes, occassionally all three.
If there is an obvious reason for this smell could you let me have the details - answers on a postcard please, I'm an old fashioned type of guy u know.

P.S;  If it's some weirdo humanoid attraction thing don't bother letting me know, I won't understand and I'm really not that interested.

I watched X-factor at the weekend - I know it's not the same without my namesake, but still watchable don't you think?
I do like Gary (I'm a bit of a closet TT fan) - he's getting a bit smug, but I reckon he's okay.
I love Kelly - can't understand a word she says half the time - but she's lovely, & great teeth!
Louis is still a bit of an arse, but a harmless arse I reckon.
Who the hell is Tulisa?
The best bits of course are the ad-breaks!  I love adverts, have you seen my brother's new one?  You know - for the brilliant paint company - I bet he was knackered filming that one.  Haven't seen him for ages...

Coming soon...!